Those who are connected to me through Facebook know how I've been bragging about the term "loneliness", lately. I think, it took me a while since I came to see the big picture. The phase of sudden unbearable loneliness was just the billboard.
It's nothing new that we step from one state to another state in our lives. Think of the phases of academic life or professional life. You can also think of it geographically; changing location from a place where you spent quite a significant amount of time. It can also be change of state of mind or change of outlook or simply the biggest changing variable; time. What I'm trying to say is that there's always this transition state throughout all the changes of states. How easily do we handle this state?
I used to think I can never be lonely. Weird thought, though, but the reason behind such a premise was that I've been a loner and I've learned since childhood how to occupy my head. This blog is one child of my brain's "I-know-how"s.
Remember, back in school, when you were so frightened with the thought of changing school? "What would happen to all my friends? Will I be able to make new friends?" Sounded like a herculean task! An apparent fear of loneliness. But really, I actually made buddies when I was in 7th standard. For brevity, let me use the term friends for general short term/acquaintance based relationships and buddies for long term/deeply and emotionally connected relationships. I don't even remember the name of my best friend when I first went to school. I can't even remember the face.
School life ended and it was like the end of a dream life. College life started, and I don't want to recall how it started and ended. It was like running errands all over the year. Those two years gave birth to few friends with whom I'm still connected through Facebook, writing "Happy birthday!" on their walls once in a year, but no buddies. Can be called as years filled with loneliness, yet can't be labelled as emptiness. Although, now I realize how cumbersome that phase was compared to what I recently realized.
With lots of hopes and dreams, with a sense of adventure and ambition, came the university life; especially because it was DU (Dhaka University) life. Life in DU is completely different than life in other institutions, the reason for my emphasis while calling it DU life. Compared to NOW; we were immature, full of stupidity, so stupid that we used to cry over the fact who's got 1 marks more than whom. I spend my 5 years chasing after grades and I'm so proud of that. Call me nerd, but the achievement is reflected not in grades, but in the consistency and patience of running after something until you get it. Not everyone had the stamina to run the race till the end.
But one thing was there, we were dreamers, I think, we still are. Maturity is a relative thing. Along with all the immaturity we possessed back then, we formed quite a number of friends and I got three special buddies, with whom I shared equivalent wavelengths of intellect and humour. We called ourselves LASH (our initials. The word also means "Dead Body" in Bangla!). We fought, we laughed, we spent the whole 5 years cracking jokes and had the best times of our lives. You know, they say, "friends come and go, you'd form new friends if old friends are gone", but buddies are rare. You don't really meet and get to know people with whom you feel emotionally attached and develop a divine connection. Looking back, all I can say now is that we had no idea what loneliness even means.
I used to be choosy (read snob and arrogant). I never hung out with people I didn't think would match my wavelengths of interest. I never even tried. I always had LASH around, at least H around, ALWAYS, even when we fought with the other two. After graduation there were times that we (excluding interaction between H and I) haven't talked to each other for months, due to work load or sometimes, lack of interest. At least, we knew that all of us were just one call away.
ASH left this country this year, around September for higher studies, I wanted to work for a year before going for it, so I stayed. We all felt bad because the direction of our lives had started to fall apart, but had no idea that it was the inception of experiencing the real loneliness. We (LASH) had so many internal problems when H left for Canada, though, I was there for him. When H reached, he experienced really lone time, apart from the family and the life here. It was tough for me too, because I've never learned to live without him. But work occupied me, somehow to survive the transition.
I was very glad for one reason that all of them left. Independence, to be more precise, emotional emancipation. I thought, when they would leave, I'd have a new life which would be free of their influence/judgement. For the past 4 years I've been like protected by the boyfriend kind of girl. I wanted to experience this new life all by myself. In the meanwhile, H would also learn to live by himself. We both felt it's important for our self development until we unite next year or so. I'm working now. Very much independent. As the next project is being gone for higher studies, so this work life feels pretty adventurous and exciting, and of course, can't deny the charms!
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